
Oh my goodness! I received a package today!
My friend Sandy sent me a care package and it made me cry. It’s rather amazing how thoughtful she is, she’s like a stealth ninja that doesn’t tell me she has things for me and suddenly one day I get a package! The thing I loved most was the thoughtfulness of everything in the package.
Each item came with a note that made me smile. There was even a glittered box with jewels decorating it. I <3 glitter!
She gave me a beautiful owl necklace with a pearl, bath salts and hand cream that are lavender-scented. The hand cream is my favorite! Nail polishes, which are amazing since I don’t have many here and delicious peanut butter cups!
It hasn’t been a tough week per-say but I have been thinking a lot. I thought about how much I hate Mother’s Day. I used to hate it because I used to wish that I had a mom like all my friends. One who was encouraging, always positive, loving and caring. Then I whined about not being able to become a mom with my fertility issues. Don’t get me wrong, I probably will still whine every now and then.
This past week, I thought about the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be everything that I wish I had as a child. I want to be the mother who loves their children and supports them. A mother who understands that children aren’t perfect. Encourage them to tell me their mistakes and help them learn from it. To never fear me, I was always scared to tell my mom anything. I feared disappointing her because I knew what was coming, she would get angry and beat me to a pulp. So instead of going to her and hoping she would understand or help me, I boxed myself in and shut myself off. It wasn’t healthy at all.
I went to a lot of therapy after a breaking point where I literally felt as though I was worthless. The therapist told me that there is nothing I can do but to take care of myself and detach myself from a family who already disowned me. I was going down a road of depression and felt no self-worth. It’s funny because even though I was spiraling out of control, I still thought I was being selfish. I should make my family happy, they’re angry with me because I deserve it. It’s my fault for being depressed, of course they’re angry. But no matter what I do, eventually they would be angry with me for many reason. Some reasons were valid, most weren’t.
You see, I didn’t have the kind of childhood that I hope my future children will have. I also didn’t know my biological father, he disappeared after the divorced and reappeared one day while I was in college and asked me for money. Amazing. I don’t wish for anything different, I am the woman I am because of how my life has been. However, I do not wish my children to experience that kind of life. I was very lonely, I was hurt (emotionally and physically) on a regular basis and I was manipulated.
Last night, I was telling the hubs that I want to concentrate on becoming the kind of mother I wish I had. The mother I want for our children, I really want children. I want a family, I want my husband to be a father. He’s the most patient, kind and loving person I know. He’s going to be the BEST father ever. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this… But he never EVER gets angry at me. We have a discussion when he disagrees or doesn’t understand. There is never any yelling, I am never scared of him. Ever since I have lived with him, I have never been scared. I finally feel comfortable.
I’m alive today because of my husband, my BFF and my loved ones. My husband gave me hope: hope that I can have a normal life and a family whose foundation is built on love. My BFF gave me strength: when I was at my weakest, she was there, holding me up and making me believe that I will be able to survive. My loved ones gave me encouragement: if I should ever have a day where I am not at my best, they are always there to remind me that I am NOT that bad.
So when I opened this care package from Sandy, it was perfect timing. All week I’ve been a little up and down with stress, waiting for my period to come so I can get my surgery. By the way, it’s still not here yet. I had just finished lunch with the hubs, I was on the train and I was hiccuping so much that I threw up. Yes, on the train. I got home and I had this package waiting for me.
I open it and everything was so perfect. She put little notes on everything to make me happy, to bring me joy. I am thankful for that because the timing was amazing.
Thank you Sandy, thank you loved ones. You have filled my heart with so much love.
This life we are living… it is and will be a great one.
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