Expat Life: Life and Unexpected News
This entry is probably going to be the most random entry ever. I know, even for me, I’m incredibly random but yes, here I am.
I’ve been seeing a fertility doctor, the best in all of China. She’s a specialist and a leader in her field. She is a favorite amongst locals and expats here in Shanghai. We started to see her because I’ve been having a hard time getting pregnant and I wanted to get some answers.
After a few months of taking progesterone, getting HMG shots, many blood tests, ultrasounds and so forth… We found out that I have an extremely thin uterine lining. That makes pregnancy extremely difficult as it is. I was also told that it doesn’t look like I’m ovulating this month.
Then after much more testing, through an ultrasound, the doctor found a growth in my uterus. They weren’t entirely sure if it was something of concern or not. They talked to me about surgery to get it removed. She believes this is the reason why pregnancy and getting pregnant has been so difficult for me.
Last week I had some serious spotting, which is unusual since my period isn’t due for another two weeks. It was heartbreaking for me because I knew that meant I’m clearly not pregnant this month. I had to go into the hospital and she ran another ultrasound and she could see that the polyp she saw before is preventing pregnancy from happening. I was told that if I’m not pregnant (which she thinks I’m not) I have to come in after my period to get it surgically removed. I will be put under completely and they will remove it.
I won’t lie, I cried. I cried a lot, mostly by myself. Even though the doctor said that it’ll be a good thing to get it removed. I still felt as though my body is rejecting pregnancy. I felt as though it was all my fault. I didn’t know how to handle my stress. I just cried and bottled it up inside and didn’t know how to release it. Crying didn’t help. I even broke out in hives, I scratched my hives and I made it worse. They got infected and gross. I saw my regular doctor and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was except to deduce it was stress related.
Then I got angry about something completely not related to what I’m going through. I NEVER get angry, I was so angry that I shouted for a good ten minutes. Afterwards I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt a physical RELEASE of all this pent-up stress I was holding inside of my heart and mind. It was a strange feeling to suddenly feel FREE. I’m starting to feel the stress leave and I hope that it continues.
My hives are getting better, they’ve gone down a lot. I still have red spots on my neck and some on my face. I feel like a freak but I can understand why my body did that. I didn’t know how to let go of my stress. Breaking out in hives (the first round) scared the crap out of me, then I went and scratched them all and made it so much worse and that REALLY freaked me out.
Even though I had all these red spots on my neck and face, I still went out with Wendy and Mike. They were visiting and all these pictures are from us walking around a local street to try local street food. Not once did they make me feel like I was a freak show, I told them about the stresses and pressures I’m under and they hugged me. I felt happier, more myself with each day they were here. The timing was oddly perfect, because they were bringing me back to where I used to be.
There’s a whole different level of comfort when you have friends. I’ve known Wendy and Mike throughout our whole time in NYC. Now they live in Wisconsin. We were so happy to see them for the few days they were in Shanghai. I smiled a lot, laughed a lot and got to try new things (which I’ll blog about later) and even tried street food for the first time. (And didn’t get sick!)
Sometimes, when I’m walking through local streets and I see the general population and how most of them are clearly not well off. I get sad and think about how I could have been born into poverty. I look at the faces of these local people, who work extremely hard and barely make much and I get sad. I think how their stresses are so much greater than my own. I write music from the comforts of my home office with a nice keyboard and an iMac. We have a beautiful home, it’s clean and safe. I always eat delicious meals, I have nice clothes and I really feel lucky.
Then it makes me feel silly about breaking out in hives, to even get surgery, I am LUCKY. I’m getting surgery, when most local people can’t afford it. I was feeling so sad and depressed about not being a mother yet and then we walked through the streets of Shanghai and I saw local life and it was a huge reality check.
I am thankful. I will pull through, I will get this surgery and I will get pregnant.
I will be the best damn mother a child could ever have because all I want is to love.