Expat Life: Life and Unexpected News
This entry is probably going to be the most random entry ever. I know, even for me, I’m incredibly random but yes, here I am.
I’ve been seeing a fertility doctor, the best in all of China. She’s a specialist and a leader in her field. She is a favorite amongst locals and expats here in Shanghai. We started to see her because I’ve been having a hard time getting pregnant and I wanted to get some answers.
After a few months of taking progesterone, getting HMG shots, many blood tests, ultrasounds and so forth… We found out that I have an extremely thin uterine lining. That makes pregnancy extremely difficult as it is. I was also told that it doesn’t look like I’m ovulating this month.
Then after much more testing, through an ultrasound, the doctor found a growth in my uterus. They weren’t entirely sure if it was something of concern or not. They talked to me about surgery to get it removed. She believes this is the reason why pregnancy and getting pregnant has been so difficult for me.
Last week I had some serious spotting, which is unusual since my period isn’t due for another two weeks. It was heartbreaking for me because I knew that meant I’m clearly not pregnant this month. I had to go into the hospital and she ran another ultrasound and she could see that the polyp she saw before is preventing pregnancy from happening. I was told that if I’m not pregnant (which she thinks I’m not) I have to come in after my period to get it surgically removed. I will be put under completely and they will remove it.
I won’t lie, I cried. I cried a lot, mostly by myself. Even though the doctor said that it’ll be a good thing to get it removed. I still felt as though my body is rejecting pregnancy. I felt as though it was all my fault. I didn’t know how to handle my stress. I just cried and bottled it up inside and didn’t know how to release it. Crying didn’t help. I even broke out in hives, I scratched my hives and I made it worse. They got infected and gross. I saw my regular doctor and he wasn’t exactly sure what it was except to deduce it was stress related.
Then I got angry about something completely not related to what I’m going through. I NEVER get angry, I was so angry that I shouted for a good ten minutes. Afterwards I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt a physical RELEASE of all this pent-up stress I was holding inside of my heart and mind. It was a strange feeling to suddenly feel FREE. I’m starting to feel the stress leave and I hope that it continues.
My hives are getting better, they’ve gone down a lot. I still have red spots on my neck and some on my face. I feel like a freak but I can understand why my body did that. I didn’t know how to let go of my stress. Breaking out in hives (the first round) scared the crap out of me, then I went and scratched them all and made it so much worse and that REALLY freaked me out.
Even though I had all these red spots on my neck and face, I still went out with Wendy and Mike. They were visiting and all these pictures are from us walking around a local street to try local street food. Not once did they make me feel like I was a freak show, I told them about the stresses and pressures I’m under and they hugged me. I felt happier, more myself with each day they were here. The timing was oddly perfect, because they were bringing me back to where I used to be.
There’s a whole different level of comfort when you have friends. I’ve known Wendy and Mike throughout our whole time in NYC. Now they live in Wisconsin. We were so happy to see them for the few days they were in Shanghai. I smiled a lot, laughed a lot and got to try new things (which I’ll blog about later) and even tried street food for the first time. (And didn’t get sick!)
Sometimes, when I’m walking through local streets and I see the general population and how most of them are clearly not well off. I get sad and think about how I could have been born into poverty. I look at the faces of these local people, who work extremely hard and barely make much and I get sad. I think how their stresses are so much greater than my own. I write music from the comforts of my home office with a nice keyboard and an iMac. We have a beautiful home, it’s clean and safe. I always eat delicious meals, I have nice clothes and I really feel lucky.
Then it makes me feel silly about breaking out in hives, to even get surgery, I am LUCKY. I’m getting surgery, when most local people can’t afford it. I was feeling so sad and depressed about not being a mother yet and then we walked through the streets of Shanghai and I saw local life and it was a huge reality check.
I am thankful. I will pull through, I will get this surgery and I will get pregnant.
I will be the best damn mother a child could ever have because all I want is to love.
Oh, Annie. Thanks for sharing all of this. I think of you often and I’m so hoping that it’ll happen for you soon. You may have a wonderful life, but you are allowed to feel the emotions you feel after going through so much. Don’t deprive yourself of that.
I hope that everything works out in the end for you. I’m always here.
Thanks Mandy! I appreciate that, I know… I have to be better about telling myself it’s ok to not be ok. I am so thankful we can talk and keep in touch via video chat
You are going to be a wonderful mother Annie.
I hope you’re better now and good luck on that surgery!
Thanks sweetie!!! Xo
Oh, I’m so sorry you’ve been having fertility problems. I hope the surgery fixes everything, and a baby will be headed your way soon.
I don’t think it’s fair to compare yourself to others. Everyone has a hard time, and it’s difficult to say if their lives are really tougher, because then you would have to take into account childhood, parental influence, personality, experiences at school, health status, etc… Having money is nice, but it’s not a cure all for anything (especially the things that really matter). Give yourself a break: it sounds like you need it!
I hope you feel much better soon.
Thanks grace! I know, a lot of my friends tell me to relax! That it’s ok for me to be sad and stressed. You’re absolutely right about not comparing myself to others. I have this guilt that I’m ok (financially) and I get sad when I see local life. But I shouldn’t assume they aren’t ok,
thank you for telling me to give myself a break. I’m ridiculously hard on myself sometimes!
I hope you get well soon.
Also, I hope this site helps you with your fertility needs.
http://melbournenaturalfertility.com.au/
Thank you Susan!
I’m so happy that you’re feeling better now. The surgery is a positive step towards becoming a mom and I know things will work out for you.
Thanks Sandy! I’m so happy that you always take time to check up on me. You are delightful. Xo
*hugs*
*HUGS* back
Thanks Carla.
Annie I know you must be feeling a mix of emotions right now and I’m sure the surgery is a little scary. But your doctor will take great care of you and yes, this is definitely a positive step to becoming a mother. Just think of this as preparing your body to be at it’s most healthy so your future little one can thrive while he/she is in there =) I love you! Pretend that all of the NCMC girls are holding your hand during the surgery and that Meli brings you a delicious plate of cupcakes for your recovery. =) xo
I love you too! I would love more than anything for you guys to be here but I will pretend until I see you guys SOON!
Oh hun,
you are too hard on yourself. i hope the tough time will past soon and there will be many reasons for you to celebrate. hugs and kisses sending your way!
I really do try to be thankful for what I have and sometimes I use that as a reason to not be sad about my current situations. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s ok to be sad every now and then.
you know, it’s a great trait that you have, that even through some tough things that you are going through, you are so thankful for what you have and the people in your life, and know that there are so many others with much less, it sort of brings everything back into perspective. you are going to make a fantastic mommy… hugs and prayer to you.
Thank you so much. That is so kind of you to say. I try to think about what I have vs not have whenever I’m going through some things in my life that doesn’t make me happy. It’s hard, sometimes I get super upset and other times I feel silly about getting so upset when I have so much. I think I need to let myself get sad from time to time and that it’s ok to be. Thank you for the compliment about going to be a fantastic mommy, I think that is the highest compliment anyone could ever give me.
Hi Annie! Thanks for sharing a very personal situation you are going through. I know that being away from home makes it a little harder. Wishing you a very quick recovery,and I am glad your friends and family have been visiting. It’s always a blessing to have loved ones visiting!
Thanks jen, I really appreciate that so much. And you’re right about friends and family visiting, it makes everything so much better.