Love Letters and Surgery News
I met up with my friend J today and as expected, it was completely comfortable and lovely. She works in the art district and that is where I saw this adorable graffiti of Batman and Superman. Ha, Chinese graffiti is adorable!
We had lunch together and it was so nice to talk together, catch up and she understood everything I said and vice versa. That alone was really nice, just be able to speak freely and not have to worry about the other person misunderstanding or not having any clue what you’re saying.
Afterwards I went to M97 Gallery to see the “Love Letters” Exhibition by Jiang Zhi. They were beautiful photographs of flowers and trees, set on fire to represent love. There were beautiful orchids that were on fire and it was captured right before it would have wilted into ashes. I looked at each photograph and I saw beauty, grace but I also saw sadness and anger. If you happen to be in Shanghai, I strongly suggest you make an appointment to see their gallery. It’s elegant design and display of their art is truly breathtaking.
I couldn’t help looking at those photos and thinking about my fertility issues. I had a mixed ball of emotions: sadness, hope, nervousness, excitement and anxiousness. I talked to my doctor yesterday about surgery and this Friday will be my pre operation blood work for surgery. I am mostly positive, I promise I am. Though, last night, I had a tiny bit of tears while talking to the hubs about it.
I was telling him that I’m nervous about the surgery. I know it’s a very TINY surgery, it’ll be quick and it’s not that big of a deal. But I told him I fear that I will not wake up from being put under. Logically I know this won’t happen but I remember when I was younger and broke my arm… I remember waking up and seeing doctors panicking and my family in tears and shouting because I had a bad reaction and they had trouble waking me up. I’m not full-out panicking about the surgery but I do have little thoughts rolling through my brain… what…. if…. I …. die??? I won’t. I won’t. I know. I know.
Then I was telling the hubs, how I wish I had a mom to talk to about this kind of stuff. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m depressed and bent out of shape. But I couldn’t help but imagine a girl in my situation, calling her mom and telling her she’s scared and her mom comforting her. I don’t have that luxury, sadly. I have been debating whether or not to tell my MIL. The main reason I don’t want to tell her is that I would worry her and possibly her being upset that I didn’t tell her sooner. But I think she should know, she sees me as a real daughter (and has treated me like one) so I think I’ll tell her this weekend when we all have time to talk.
It was really nice to talk to the hubs though. I had tears but not crying… he said to me that surgery (no matter how big or small) is still scary. It was nice to hear that my concerns were normal, it’s ok to be scared but know I’ll be ok. I think that’s what I needed to hear. Sometimes all I want is to be comforted a little, I know the facts… but I can’t help being scared. It’s not something I can just shut off but the right words definitely help my nervousness.
I guess I’ll find out on Friday when my surgery will be scheduled. Hopefully, not on my actual birthday but if it is… I guess happy birth/surgery day to me! Cross your fingers that this is the answer to my fertility problems.
How wonderful would it be to tell you all that I’m pregnant…
I just want to be the mom I wish I had, I want a family of my own.