We all have our ups and downs
Yesterday was kind of an interesting day. I woke up unusually tired, felt a bit out of my element but I was generally fine. It was a typical Wednesday for me and I know that I have a lot to do, so I get my day started.
Recently, I’ve been talking to a lot of friends about breastfeeding/formula; natural unmedicated/epidural/c-section births; sleep schedules/co-sleeping; cloth/disposable diapers… you know the drill. The never ending sides of upcoming parenthood for us.
I have numerous friends who respect our wants of course, they are undeniably supportive and have made my insane days, sane again. But I have a good amount of friends who find it their duty to convert me into their way of parenting/birthing.
I don’t have a set decision for anything. I’m more a go-with-the-flow type girl. But I do know that I would like to *try* natural but if I need an epidural or a C-section, I won’t freak out. I want to exclusively breast feed (for the many reasons that it’s wonderful for your baby) but if I need to supplement with formula, I won’t feel like a failure. Just going to do whatever I can at the time that is best for baby.
Well, all of this stress from people trying to convince me I’m not prepared, I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m crazy for considering natural… has kind of gotten to me, in a stressful way, for a month or so.
Then yesterday afternoon, I met with a lovely photographer that we hired for maternity and new born sessions. She is absolutely fabulous and turns out we went to the same college and it amazes me how small this world really is!
She asked about my family, the hubs family.. etc. I told her about how we don’t have proper engagement photos and our wedding photog kind of went crazy, took our money but didn’t actually do anything for us. It is sad when I think about that, we don’t have any nice pictures of ourselves so we thought this would be the best time!
Then of course, we talked about our families. I told her how wonderful the hubs family is, how they have really made me feel like a daughter, they’re excited and coming to help when Boram is born. Then I talked about my family and it brought me to tears.
Some of you may know, from what little I have written on the blog… but I was abused physically and mentally all my life up until I was about 29 years old. I went to a lot of therapy and it’s really heart breaking when the therapist even tells you to leave and never look back. That cutting off the entire family is the only way I can give myself (and my future family) a fair shot at life and love. Otherwise I’ll keep myself in this vicious cycle of constant abuse and emotional damage.
I ended up breaking down with our photographer, telling her about my past. I even told her in detail of some of the things that happened to me, some things I haven’t thought about in many years. I told her the hurt I had, constantly thinking that if I change maybe she wouldn’t hurt me anymore. I kept thinking about how I’m a bad person, that’s why I deserve all of this. And it wasn’t until therapy that I realized that this isn’t normal, beating a person just because they don’t agree with you isn’t right. Hitting a person because you cut the cucumbers wrong, isn’t right. Getting a B instead of an A isn’t a bad thing. These are NOT worthy of getting hit to the point of bruising. And this is certainly not ok a few times a day.
I came home and I was in tears. I thought about how others have a mom or dad, who call and ask how their pregnant daughter is. I thought about how those parents probably send gifts for their future grandchild, so excited and in love. And it made me sad, very… very sad. I am thankful for my MIL/FIL because they do talk to me every few days… mostly about what I need to prepare for Boram, how I am feeling. It’s so nice, if they didn’t do that, I would probably be a HUGE mess.
Then I came home to two lovely packages. My BFF has this amazing ability to send things at times I’m not well. She never knows it (obviously, how can see know in advance when I’m feeling sad???) but it always shows up at the times I feel my worst, my weakest and my saddest. I cried opening her package full of goodies for Boram and for me. I only have one pair of maternity pants (my jeans) and she sent me leggings and pants so that I can be comfortable during my second half of pregnancy.
I talked to her this morning about my meltdown yesterday. She reminded me that Boram is my new hope. He will be my family, this family will be MINE. I can make this the kind of family I always wish I had. And now… I have that. I am so lucky, blessed… I am. SO much.
And of course my Weddingbee girls are ridiculously awesome. Alynda sent some love from Australia for our little boy. I was CRYING at her package too! I also told her that I had a meltdown yesterday (but not in grave detail) and how this package just made me cry in happiness.
My EDD twin, Amy and I have been talking regularly. I told her everything, meltdown to pregnancy etc. It’s so nice to be able to have someone who’s pregnant at the same time and “gets” it cuz they’re IN it at the same time. And she always makes me feel better, stronger (just like my BFF).
So life has its ups and downs. This little down that I had wasn’t enough to ruin my day but kind of hit me in a way that I didn’t think it would. But life is funny like that (at least in my life)…
The moment I feel sad, lonely, hurt or whatever.
Somewhere, somehow… someone always shows me so much love.
Having a thankful heart right now.